I continued the prayers and my studies; convinced both efforts were pointless. Prayer, however, provided an ancillary benefit. The lack of divine intervention in answering the question permitted my cementing a belief no God existed. As the days passed with no divine input, a laborious tedium infected the study. I began re-reading some material that appealed to me for reasons not linked to the eternity question. Distractions also surfaced as I found previously missed concepts, phenomena, and conjecture that ranged from unusual to bizarre in the revisited material. Unorthodox relationships and properties became apparent contemplating the behaviors of the electron/photon. If specific associations were made, those conditions might bear upon the physical composition of the human consciousness. The consciousness might very well contain those components. After all, human life was verified by measuring electrical activity in the body. The consciousness was either a segment of human life, or a separate entity. The inconsistencies within the consciousness were numerous, just like the electron/photon. The mind often functioned perfectly despite injury or physical afflictions that compromised other areas of the body. Catatonia was a radical separation of the two. Spinal injuries were another. Unusual phenomenon and missed relationships that altered my perspective materialized. A terror unexpectedly startled me; like failing to see a threat, so perfectly camouflaged in the trappings of habits it goes undetected. When it leaps to claim your life, it is so close a defensive respond is impossible and incompetent.
The moment the connections between the electron and consciousness became obvious severed my conceptual continuity, and incapacitated the minute reserves of competence remaining - credibility crumbs I preciously guarded like my integrity depended upon it. A wave of remorse crushed me. My beliefs shattered simultaneously. I lost all confidence in my rational abilities with a sigh. An immense vacancy in my intellect appeared. A word I seldom used, but particularly appealed to me, entered my thoughts. It perfectly described my situation – feckless. My selfish priorities and the recently distilled intellectual solvency dissolved, like a hologram when the viewer’s perspective changes. The hierarchy of secular, indispensable conclusions about God I previously adopted with smug self-assuredness and rebellious indignation, dissembled under the revelation. These needed significant re-ordering. A remarkable moment of exhilaration was replaced with astonished embarrassment. The answer to the question entirely resided within the inexplicable and indeterminate quantum concept of “uncertainty”.
A sensory overload ensued considering all the potentials of uncertainty. Uncertainty - the phenomenon that inferred sub-atomic states and quark properties (including potential sentience) and other extraordinary behaviors that defied classic, Newtonian physics, and subordinate scientific concepts and truths, stared back at me - blankly. The confounding, contradictory phenomena and observed properties of uncertainty, mandated considering an extraneous, foreign, maybe alien, or, divine interdiction was ultimately responsible for the electron’s composition and behavior. The electron’s creation was subject to the same intervention. If the requisite, unsubstantiated, premise offered to legitimize the speculation explaining the origin of the universe does not account for the Uncaused First Cause - and - the matter, energy, and CHANCE, required to initiate that uncaused causality are concordantly unsubstantiated, unverifiable; pocked and marred with inconsistencies and overly hopeful interpretations; the source of that matter. and energy, and Chance, continues - anonymously, undetermined... Uncertain! Chance, happenstance, “fate”, assumes omniscient importance as it rises to preeminence - the exclusive and fundamental causality for the scientific version of universal conception; and its progeny - the adjacent reality presumed. This concept no longer made sense. I expected better from science.
The electron/photon was matter moving at light speed. Matter at that velocity overcomes the restrictions time imposes! Potentially, a new dimensional time paradigm is available, and obtained. Eternity is an absence of time. Analogous relationships and obvious conclusion next materialized. The human consciousness, the soul, is comprised of electrons/photons. If that is true, eternal life was probable - much more than possible. If the electron/photon comprised the soul, a God could exist, and probably existed.
As the facts and evidence materialized and aligned, I awoke from a self induced, decades long, cognitive coma. I could no longer pretend God was Mr. Irrelevant. Somehow, God fit perfectly into the evidence, and complimented ancillary conditions. In desperation, I sought out conflicting evidence – to reaffirm my previous suspicions and conclusions no God was possible. That search delivered more profound support refuting my efforts. The divine connections and relationships were unavoidable, and, undeniable. Then, philosophical factors materialized to insult and compound my fecklessness. The divine variable united the ingredients with an eloquent equilibrium and undeniable surety. The strict isolation protocols I planned, (separating the two perspectives to preserve my disbelief in God) ran together like colors in an Impressionist painting. I saw the contingent continuity, how each component relied upon the other in a comprehensive collage of coordinated precision - perfection. The majesty of a design that deftly, and delicately, subdued order for both extremes of magnitude and provided the environment where every particle of matter enjoys its relative and objective purpose across dimensions and timescales my feeble human mind could not comprehend, stunned me. My secular concentration subsided contritely. The answer was unconditionally conditional.
God’s affections for mankind were bound within the collage. That realization crippled my emotions. It wasn’t overt. God’s love was a mundane object my emotional misgivings overlooked. It blended into the background of familiarity, and contempt blinded my considering it. I slowly recognized and interpreted God’s collective handiwork. No matter where I cast my gaze or directed my thoughts, irrefutable proof of God’s design and affections stood with guilt. Guilt’s I told you so expression was unmistakable. He mocked me and ridiculed my self styled intellectual prowess. I had no rebuttal or rationale for argument.
God had blessed me in ways I ignored. His favor continued despite my insufferable and petulant behaviors. The paternal emotions expressed tolerated and transcended my volatility and vituperation; patiently waiting for me to respond and accept the gift – unconditionally. Prodigal? Didn’t matter. Welcomed back? Yep. The glut of evidence before me comprehensively convicted my incoherent secular conclusions. Guilt gloated. Years of anxiety and fears escaped the sanctuary of sanity and poured onto my face. I couldn’t contain them or my shame and wept uncontrollably.
I felt the weight of disappointment my behaviors and choices expressed upon the sire of my soul. Evidence of affection from the father I believed abandoned me was indisputable and ubiquitous. It condemned my rationality, and arrogance. The necessary limitations and obligations of the divine design precluded communication using the physical components of earthly life. The frustrations of being unable to commune with the content of consciousness apportioned, or impart touch past a superficial, conceptual contact, were profound, and pitiful. The emotions held for me on the alternative axis of reality prompted dread, and an anxious exhilaration simultaneously. The magnitude and consequence of my disobedience, the quantum of emotions, bound to the consciousness shared with my celestial father aligned. The gravity of the choices defining my life, temporal and eternal, clarified my disgrace. I had no response of worth, and lacked the justification to express one. Those choices… my choices: excuses, distractions, and deflections of responsibility summed to a contemptible certainty, and truth. I dishonored the precious gift entrusted to me. What remained in my life was an abbreviated opportunity I must not squander. Salvaging the remnants of my soul required an unfamiliar and sustained effort for an uncertain end. Shame shuttered my surroundings as I contemplated condemnation and the reserves of repentance available.
Changing a life like mine is not simple, nor is it linear. It’s inordinately complicated with habits, appetites, and dependencies, perpetuating comfort and complacency - colluding to derail improvement. Looking back on my life, and the damage inflicted from my heart and hand, will always be a legacy I am loathe to admit, but must. Each day, if I accomplish a new good, I pray it eases God’s disappointment with me. I earned whatever judgment comes my way. What I hope to avoid is missing out on Divine Dad’s company. With the secular blinders removed, I’ve grown to like and admire him. I want to learn more from him. If I miss out on his instruction I’ll have myself to blame. For now, I’m content he is willing to assist me, provide direction, and love me. Considering my past, I deserve other treatment. Grace and compassion are a concept I’m slow to comprehend. It’s that knucklehead part deeply ingrained within me.
The answer I'd discovered was affixed to a second realization - the external pressures of environment and society directly imperil the soul's integrity, ascension, and survival. Spiritual salvation was necessarily compromised by the environment society creates. It contributed to the physical content of the soul. The concept of the afterlife and the physical reality that define and determine the soul's content integrated perfectly. A sobering fear invaded my attention. My failures with God were but a part of the offenses I permitted through my action and inaction. My generation allowed and encouraged the demise of decency. We sat by and observed the secular confiscation of basic human liberties, and degradation of religion and God. Secular interests conspired to eliminate Christianity and the ability of the individual soul to achieve salvation. We tolerated the depreciation of society to gluttonously indulge the appetites the depreciation freed. Too few of my ilk objected. Contemporaneously, Christians and other religions bickered over technical deviations derived from hair splitting on scriptural interpretation. Infighting was easier than confronting the enemy that threatened God – secular humanism and moral equivalency .
The revelation contained within the discovery led me to become a Moral Disciple. My studies were only beginning. I’d broadened my references. Any source of information or history that pertains to Christ and God are valid references in my study – unless, in reading them I find irrelevant, or caustic material that contextually critiques Christianity, vilifies Christ, or gratuitously discredits God and religion seeking to support a secular worldview that purposely avoids intellectual honesty and contemptuously assaults Christianity misusing the First Amendment protection enumerated. This journey of coherent spiritual discovery was an elucidating, powerful experience that altered my perspectives and changed my beliefs in a meaningful and permanent manner.
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